You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
