Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
