Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
