I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
