Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
