Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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