Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
