my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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