Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
