This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
