The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
