chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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