Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I touched a dick in church today
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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