youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
