I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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