Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
