WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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