i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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