my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How's work?
Spinning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's rum buckets o'clock
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize