I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm getting married
To pizza
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
