john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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