How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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