In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
