If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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