New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
