genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
