that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
His hands were made for my vagina.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize