3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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