Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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