I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
