My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She needs sedatives and a leash
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize