She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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