after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
