I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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