if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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