Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
