he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
