The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize