I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
