Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
