Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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