I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
