Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
