Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
