so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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