cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
