I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Holy shit dude........stairs
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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