I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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