so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
