i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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