You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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