this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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