Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
