Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
