saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
