he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
