Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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