You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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