I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
