I look better un-naked...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
