When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
