True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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