you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
