I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Vodka?
Forever.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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