Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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