I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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