Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
