I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
