He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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